Well, the day finally came. The day I knew would never happen. When people always say “One day, you’re going to be grateful for this.” I was never going to be grateful for that crippling anxiety that made me absolutely terrified to do, or not to do anything. Not only was I not grateful, but I couldn’t imagine why it was happening to me, to me, I had done everything “right” why was this going to wrong?
Today I go back to the doctor for the first time since we found out it didn’t work.
I’m 15 days into my 26th year, they were all “perfect” and I am scared because I can’t imagine what could have gone wrong.
For someone who loves to be in control as much as me and for something that was so seemingly controlled every step of the way, I know that right now there is nothing else I can do.
A little over a week and a half ago, my first try with IVF failed. I was 25 when they were transferred, the doctors said that all three were A+ embryos, and today I go back, by myself to try and use my mangled Serbian to understand if there is something wrong with me or not, and whether is is possible for me to have children.
You’d think I should be sitting here studying up on Serbian gynecological terms so I can halfway understand what the doctors might tell me today when I go. Or I should be thinking about will it even be worth it to give them all this money we’ve saved to freeze our embryos or will it even matter. My old self, would want me to sit here and think about how I’m going to hold it together to break it to my husband if they give bad news.
But for some reason I’m sitting here thinking how grateful I am for that period of anxiety in my life.
Because as much as it sucked, and as much as I didn’t know how to get out of it and make it end, one of the many things that it taught me is that I couldn’t. I couldn’t make it end, and as it usually happens, as soon as I stopped trying to make something happen and started to live my life with it, it went away. Being in the situation we’re currently in, it took a much shorter time for me to let go of holding the situation so tight, cast my cares on God and just live in the situation that I’m in. And I wouldn’t be able to do any of that if it were not for everything I went through back then.
If you’re reading this and you have anxiety, I know what you’re thinking. First, you’re probably thinking that you would rather know how long (down to the hour and the minute) my anxiety lasted so you can compare notes and know how much longer you have so you can just hang on. And second, if you’re anything like I was ( a still am sometimes), a Christian, desperate to explain my life and circumstances with perfect logic- you’re in a new wave of anxiety thinking “oh my gosh, I’m having this anxiety right now because God wants to prepare me for something worse that’s going to happen in life later, and I don’t know if I can handle this, definitely not anything worse”- and now we’re in a new spiral of anxiety. I’m sorry for that, been there, because if we can identify the WHY something is happening, then we are ok, and we can get through it right? That was me anyway.
What I would say to myself back then, if I had my mind and experiences now, is that going through anxiety is not a guarantee that nothing else bad will happen to you, but it’s also not a guarantee that anything “worse” will happen to you. Everyone’s reason for going through it is different. What anxiety did for me personally, was teach me to cope and handle things, so I didn’t see anything anymore as “worse” or “harder” to handle, just as life and living it. So, try, just try, not to cling too tightly. to the “this means that,” or “that equals that” talk, because not only does it not help, it isn’t the truth.
I’m not a doctor, and the degrees I have are a lot closer to international hostage negotiation than they are to psychology, (although I’m seeing a thread of how those could be friends). But I hope my experiences, failures, victories and what I thought was me going “crazy” can be useful to someone. I will leave you with one thing I know to be the truth:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, ” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Hope is my favorite word in all of that, and biblical hope is more than sitting, waiting wishing- Bible hope is the confident expectation of what God has promised and its strength is in His faithfulness.
So today I’m going to go in, whatever they tell me, with a hope that God has a plan for me to prosper somehow, no matter what the doctors, or my uterus say 🙂 Please send prayers, thoughts, baby dust and whatever else you’ve got!